The Fear Within

I often try to write things, or speak things, that make people laugh. It's who I am. My innappropriate nature at times can be looked at as well...inappropriate, but, it comes from a good place. I love to laugh, I love to make others giggle. I have been told, I use it, and my sarcastic nature as a defense mechanism...
but if I am to have a said defense mechanism, I am happy it's this one. My weapon of choice. In my opinion, there is no better medicine than love and laughter. If you can not laugh at the shitty situations, what is the damn point?!

But, I am no stranger to fear, it pays a visit to me often. It knocks at the door of my subconscious at the times that I am most vulnerable, and it being the most unwanted of guests, it tends to stay way past it's welcome. It makes me relive emotions and experiences, while causing me to question and debate everything under the sun.

Unfortunately, I admittedly have a hard time controlling my feelings at times, and I seem to be tested of my breaking points often. Being emotionally sensitive by nature..and a hormonal female, fear can throw my senses, self esteem, and anxiety, into a whirlwind of pressure. I am probably harder on myself, than I should be, my own worst enemy. I know that I am not alone in this scenario, it happens to people all the time. Those that say it doesn't, are either lying, emotionally with-held, excellent actors/actresses, or are creatures of an unknown source.

Sometimes, things people say, even when trying to help, can make us feel cornered, attacked, and exhausted. I know that I shut down, try to defend myself, or give in....often not stating the way I honestly feel about situations internally. Because, with confrontation comes fear, which brings on emotions and your fight or flight reaction. We may say things we don't mean, project things on others, and things we can get out, are often misinterpreted. Then, after all is said and done, we are left, to process, to grieve over our reactions, and to eventually, let things pass.

I personally believe, we need to be careful, not only with our words, and our actions, but we need to be sensitive to others, when we speak. We don't want to bring on self doubt, we don't want to bring on the fight or flight. We want to try to understand what the other is going through, and be there for them in a way we can, while allowing them to make the choice they need to make.

It is very hard to know what happens behind walls, both in the literal sense, and the emotional and internal sense. We all have them. We all have walls of some sort. We have blocks, that we place for our protection, from past experiences, past aggression's, past internally perceived failures, sadness, and guilt. We forget, that each of us are different, and each of us are human.

Your reaction to something, your way of handling situations, could be much different than mine. Where you could soar in a situation, I could cower. Does it make you right, and me wrong. No. We are who we are, we do as we do...neither is right or wrong. But, often people will approach us, in their way, and tell us what they believe to be true in their voice, and fear will strike. Often, we do this as a motive to help a situation....but by doing so, we can cause more drama, more internal damage, and cloud others ability to think. Sometimes we feel people walk around with rose colored glasses...sometimes, maybe they need those glasses, while trying to attain their goals.

We all make choices, we all have to deal with those choices...and you know what. It's ok. It's alright to have made mistakes, it's ok to be wrong, and it's OK to FEEL, THE WAY YOU FEEL! We need to allow ourselves to feel emotions. We are SO afraid of them, we are SO afraid of being wrong, and we are SO afraid of failure, that sometimes, we do what we are told, rather than relying on our inner feelings. That is fears intent to control us.

Make your decisions based on your feelings, not the feelings of others. People can only spread their knowledge and feeling, they don't know what is happening within you. They don't know what you deal with, internally and externally. We need to allow each other to just...be. We need to let people do what they need to do, without the shaking of the finger, and without the feeling of judgment. You are not wrong. You are you, and you are, where you are.

My father is a wise man, saying "Opinions are like assholes...we all have them," and as tactfully put as that statement is....there is so much truth to it. We all have them. But, no ones is right or wrong, it's just theirs. Let others state their opinions. Sometime it will hurt, and you will react in a way, that later you wish you hadn't. But, don't lose sight of your truth, and your endeavors, and your meaning. Don't let others voices, dull your own. A lot of times, they mean no harm or foul, they want what they feel is best, it may come out in a way they don't intend it to...but it's their way, and this is your life. Thank them for being open, and imparting their wisdom, feel your hurt, feel your anxiety, feel your anger. It' not wrong, and you're ok.

We often forget, that no matter what, even if our thoughts are clouded, and our mistakes are many. Everything works out, it always does, it always will, and it never fails. So if nothing else, always know that as scared or hurt as you may be at that moment, holding on to it, does nothing. Nothing for your life's outcome, and nothing for your past. It just takes away your present, and the present is what is important.

So go forth my child, and allow yourself to feel, and react, and then to let go...because no one can do things for you, only you can make the decision you feel is right, in the place that you are in, at this moment. We work with what we have, while we try to better ourselves, and no one can expect or should expect, anything more from you...allow yourself and others, to...be. Because, you and they, will always be, ok.

peace.